SportsCenter format changes nixed

BRISTOL, CT — After months of now-wasted preparation, ESPN has decided against proposed changes to SportsCenter, their daily staple that changed the way sports news is presented. The all-sports network announced earlier this month that the show would be completely remade, with drastic, wide-ranging changes designed to create something like “a primetime soap opera with a sports influence.”

“We have always prided ourselves on our ability to develop personalities,” said ESPN President George Bodenheimer. “We felt like a ‘90210′ or ‘The OC’ sort of format would fit well with our existing cast of characters, but we now realize that was a horribly misguided assumption.”

A source close to the decision told SSNN that in the original plan ESPN studios in Bristol were portrayed as a school, but many of the anchors were too old to be believable students. Furthermore, the love triangle storyline between Chris Berman, Linda Cohn and Stuart Scott was a complete bust, described by the source as “utterly disgusting.”

Bodenheimer said the network ultimately decided to go back to their news-style format after Kenny Mayne’s disturbing character – a recovering drug user who was having trouble staying sober – received feedback in screen tests that was so negative it bordered on violent.

“People have already forgotten about some of our other failed shows, like ‘Michael Vick’s World Series of Dog Fighting’ and the ‘Charles Barkley Swimsuit Special,’” Bodenheimer said. “We’re pretty confident that this debacle will pass us by, just like the Harold Reynolds firing.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!