Scott compelled to take much-needed break

BRISTOL, CT — Stuart Scott – the man that blessed the nation with catch phrases like “Boo-Ya” and “cooler than the other side of the pillow” – has left ESPN indefinitely after suffering a complete mental breakdown on live television.

Scott had become the unofficial face of ESPN and SportsCenter, with fans tuning in just to hear what kind of crazy saying he uses to describe the daily highlights. But with Scott’s great success came an even greater pressure to keep the comical phrases coming faster than ever.

He has used movies, television shows and good old American street slang as inspiration over the years, trying to keep up with the demands of his rabid audience. It became apparent over recent weeks that Scott was running out of material. Then the unthinkable happened: during highlights of the Golden State Warriors-Utah Jazz playoff game, Scott mortified fans across the country with a bit inspired by When Harry Met Sally.

“Baron Davis threw down one of the most memorable NBA Playoff dunks in history last night, and Stuart wanted to do something big to describe it,” ESPN President George W. Bodenheimer said. “But the moaning and writhing in his chair – that’s just not appropriate for ESPN programming. Apparently he watched the film before he came in and felt faking an orgasm on live television would really grab the audience’s attention. Well, it sure did – but instead of making fans laugh, he made them sick.”

Scott was immediately asked to take a leave of absence while the network attempts to repair the damage caused by the debacle. ESPN has decided to give Scott time to recover before making a decision on his long-term future with the sports-media giant.