Restaurant owner defends Simpson ousting

LOUISVILLE, KY — The owner of a Louisville restaurant explained his motives today for refusing to serve former NFL Hall of Fame running back O.J. Simpson last Friday when Simpson was in town to see the Kentucky Derby. “I’m a UCLA alum, and I don’t serve anyone who went to USC,” Ruby said. “Besides, it’s a steakhouse and there are sharp knives everywhere. I’m not sayin’; I’m just sayin’.” Simpson’s attorney, Yale Galanter, believes the incident was race related. “You can’t discriminate, if the man wants food on his plate,” Galanter said. “Mr. Simpson shouldn’t have to fight, just to get a bite. You can’t judge a man by race, when he wants to feed his face. I’m no Johnny Cochran, but I think those work.” Despite these assertions, Galanter told SSNN that O.J. will not pursue any sort of legal recourse. “I advised him to take action against Mr. Ruby, but he says he’s just tired of the justice system in general. Which is a little weird, because I feel like overall he’s done pretty well with it.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!