Randy Johnson adds to trophy case

BUCKSVILLE, AL — In the July issue of Truckers for Truck Stop Girls, Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Randy Johnson will be featured in a pictorial after readers voted him the magazine’s 2007 “Sexiest Man Alive”. He received nearly two hundred votes more than the second place finisher – Kevin Federline – and fans are eagerly waiting to see the upcoming issue. “Yessiree, that Randy Johnson makes me wanna hoot and holler like I was chasin’ down a runaway pig,” Johnson fanatic Katie Bobby-Lee told SSNN. “I would do darn nearly anythin’ to run my hands through that good, greasy hair. You put that boy in a ‘Wine em, dine em, sixty-nine em’ hat with a coffee stained flannel and some stubble on his face and you’ll see what truck-stop lovin is all about.” This is the first award Johnson has ever received that wasn’t based on his abilities as a pitcher, and he seemed blown away when he stepped to the podium to accept the award. “First of all, I’d just like to congratulate K-Fed, David Wells and Adam Dunn for making this competition so intense,” the 2001 World Series Co-MVP said. “Any of them could easily be the ones standing up here instead of me. But, I have to say the women that read this magazine are the salt of the earth and are depended on by truckers across the country for so much. It’s an honor to be the subject of countless fantasies, and I think it’s about time for the Big Randy – that’s my clubhouse nickname – to bring sexy back.” When the magazine comes out, a picture of the ‘Big Unit’ will be featured on the cover lounging in the Bucksville Petro Truck Stop locker room. SSNN regrets our inability to procure an advance copy of the photograph.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!