Ramirez linked to alleged cock fight kingpin

BOSTON, MA — Local authorities raided Manny Ramirez’s second cousin’s good friend’s brother’s home after a month-long investigation into an illegal cock-fighting ring. Police placed Gustavo Plocano Rodriguez-Montero under arrest for being the alleged mastermind of the establishment.

Upon entering the one-bedroom, ranch-style home in upstate Massachusetts, police found over 30 cages filled with roosters that appeared to be starving and extremely volatile. The family room contained a kiddy pool filled with blood-stained sand.

Ramirez was questioned when police learned that the Boston Red Sox slugger loaned Montero five dollars nearly six years ago.

“We are still in the early stages of this investigation, but there are strong indications that Manny played a role in this operation,” said Boston Deputy Police Chief Stanley Robinson. “Situations like these require the utmost discretion, so we’re hoping the media won’t blow it out of proportion. When we actually know the whole story, we hope to convince the papers to bury it somewhere in the obituaries.”

Ramirez has always been regarded as somewhat of a loose cannon, but has never been involved in this kind of trouble before. SSNN legal analyst Joel Cohen has a discouraging prognosis for the 2004 World Series MVP.

“The police have solid evidence in the five dollar loan,” said Cohen. “It’s obvious that money was used to buy a lavish cock-fighting ring and start developing talent. It would be an open-and-shut case, but the ‘Manny Being Manny’ defense has been successful in the past, so I wouldn’t count him out.”

Representatives for Ramirez were not available for comment, but the Red Sox did issue a statement.

“We are deeply saddened to learn that such an abominable activity is going on in the Boston area, and the organization offers its deepest sympathies to the families of those poor roosters,” the statement released by Sox GM Theo Epstein read. “We promise to look into the situation for as long as it takes for the public to forget about these terrible events. Of course, Ramirez will not be suspended unless Jesse Jackson decides to protest outside of Fenway.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!