Piniella to discuss feelings on talk show

CHICAGO, IL — Cubs general manger Jim Hendry is upset after Lou Piniella’s latest meltdown, and says the team will be forced to take action. After Thursday’s heartbreaking loss to the New York Mets, Piniella criticized Ryan Dempster in front of a group of reporters, and when asked how he felt replied, “I don’t care about feelings.”

“It’s not the yelling and losing – I’ve been with the Cubs for a while so I’m used to those things,” Hendry said. “Lou’s reckless disregard for feelings is very disturbing to our organization. People think the Cubs are just a bunch of drunken losers, but we’re actually very deep, sensitive people.”

Hendry added that the team has scheduled for Piniella to appear on renowned psychologist Phil McGraw’s talk show, Dr. Phil. Hendry said that Dr. Phil has worked miracles for the Cubs in the past, helping them accept 99 years of losing and deal with alcoholism. SSNN caught up with Dr. Phil to ask what he plans to discuss with Piniella.

“In Texas we have this saying that goes, ‘Anger is like cow dung on a sunny day in spring – it stinks,’” Dr. Phil told us. “Lou’s reluctance to talk about feelings is very interesting to me, and he’s getting fat.”

Piniella refused to comment, instead electing to throw things at our SSNN reporter. It should be noted that he did not throw sharp objects and that he later muttered something under his breath about being sorry.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!