NBA announces changes for Finals

SAN ANTONIO, TX — While in town for the second game of the Western Conference Finals, NBA Commissioner David Stern used the opportunity to address the media about the upcoming NBA Finals. After much debate, Stern and his board of advisors have decided to alter the format of the series in an effort to increase scoring and overall excitement.

“After extensive research, we have found that only the die hard fans of the NBA are planning on watching the Finals this year. Frankly that’s unacceptable,” the highly -respected commissioner said from his perch atop a milk crate. “We’re going to make some changes that will keep every game competitive right up until the buzzer, while at the same time incorporating a new entertainment aspect that will attract even the most casual fans. The boring, defensive minded Finals we’ve been expecting to see are gone.”

Each basket will now have two additional baskets placed above it at ten-foot increments, making the tallest nearly thirty feet above the court. The twenty foot hoop will be worth 15 points, and the one above it will be worth 30. Stern feels that this will ensure that a team will always have a chance in the final moments, no matter how far behind they are.

“These hoops are going to have serious implications on the outcome of each and every game. Just imagine how excited everyone is going to be to watch guys like Tim Ducan and Rasheed Wallace heave a basketball thirty feet into the air at the last second to win a game.”

In another effort to raise scoring, different areas of the court will be marked with colored stars to indicate higher point values. Stern would not elaborate as to how much the spots would be worth, but did say that players will be tempted to take the chance, and if successful, would “blow the roof off of The Palace in Auburn Hills like no other.”

While the two teams facing off in the Finals have yet to be determined, the league seems to be doing whatever necessary to avoid the low ratings the championship has experienced the past couple of years. The fans SSNN spoke with outside of the SBC Center seem to favor the changes.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing two defensive-minded teams duke it out, putting up less than seventy points a game. Everyone loves a bank shot,” Brent Vignola said as he entered the Spurs-Jazz game with a pillow under his arm. “But let’s be honest. You give me colored stars and a 30 point shot and we’re talking instant action. The NBA finally got it right.”

The commissioner and the rules committee are still ironing out how to retrofit the arenas with the equipment necessary to accommodate the adjustments. It’s going to be a difficult process given the time constraints, but Stern – who has been at the head of the NBA table for the past 23 years – feels like it won’t be a problem.

“We’re going to be using the Palace of Auburn Hills and the SBC Center as test facilities to make sure we get things right the first time. There are four teams left in the playoffs, but make no mistake; once the Spurs and Pistons (or by some miracle one of the other two teams) are ready to tip-off, fans will be screaming for a 31-point-play.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!