ESPN to televise Brady baby’s arrival

BRISTOL, CT — ESPN announced Thursday that the website will air the birth of the lovechild of Patriots QB Tom Brady and actress Bridget Moynahan. The sports giant added that they will be the only media inside the hospital room after outbidding MTV and E! for the right to show the birth live on ESPN Television and as a webcast on ESPN360. A source close to the network told SSNN that they hope to do for childbirth what they did for poker. “The higher-ups [Ed. Note: We at SSNN take this to mean Chris Berman and Stuart Scott, both of whose judgment has been, is, and will continue to be the subject of much criticism from the masses.] really feel that childbirth could be the next big thing in sports programming,” said the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “The theory is that people want to feel as though they have some ownership stake in the athletes of the future, and what better way than to watch their birth? Since there’s no way to predict the stars of tomorrow with 100% accuracy, we decided to target the children of current talents.” Some of the highlights of the inaugural baby-bearing special – dubbed “A Very Brady Birth” – will be around-the-clock coverage on the big day, plus 10-12 different camera angles of the birth itself; all in high definition, of course. The show’s three-man commentary team will be announced next week, and is expected to feature a play-by-play announcer, one of ESPN’s football analysts and a pop culture commentator to bring Moynahan’s side of the birth into focus.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!