Dirk explains playoff let-down

DALLAS, TX — After a hard night of drinking, Dallas Mavericks forward and probable NBA MVP Dirk Nowitzki met the press this morning to refute the prevailing theories on his poor playoff performance. The All-Star told reporters that he has been experiencing personal problems and that his inability to overcome them led to his first-seed Mavs being defeated by the underdog Warriors. “Everyone thinks it was Nellie, but that’s just not true,” Nowitzki said. “Look, I love Nellie, but in my eight years with him he never even mentioned the word defense. I can’t imagine he’s changed that much.” Though Nowitzki refused to specifically identify the personal problems, a renegade member of the SSNN investigation team broke into his apartment and stole his answering machine. [Ed. Note: We use the word 'renegade' deliberately, as we by no means condone the theft of athletes' personal property.] Due to strong language, most of what was recorded there is unprintable. The most alarming message went as follows: “Dirk, it’s David again. Why the f*** won’t you call me back? You can’t f****** keep treating me like this – I’ve stood by you even though you’re on the road all the time, you slut. I miss you, I f****** miss your gentle German touch. If you don’t call me back, KITT and I are coming over and taking you away. YOU CAN’T PLAY WITH MY HEART LIKE THIS, B*#$@!” There were 137 unheard messages, mostly filled with ‘David’ – who was determined by voice analysis to be actor and pop singer David Hasselhoff – singing a veritable catalog of love songs. Reached by phone, Nowitzki refused to comment on whether the personal problems he referred to this morning were at all related to these messages. Hasselhoff could not be reached for comment.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!