Bryant resorting to desperate measures

LOS ANGELES, CA — After another season with big numbers and small results, Kobe Bryant is taking it upon himself to find a teammate whom he will feel confident sharing the ball with.

The search – tentatively titled “Kobe’s Quest” – will involve a whirlwind tour of hundreds of high schools and colleges in an attempt to track down “anybody reasonably decent to put out there with me.” Kobe hopes to get the approval of Lakers owner, Jerry Buss, but says he is willing to use his own salary to pay someone who truly suits the needs of the team and himself.

“Everyone’s always talking about how I never share the ball with any of my other team members. I’m sick of being a ball hog, but every time I pass the ball, somebody ends up throwing it away. A guy can only wait so long for the GM to get something done – if it comes to it, I’ll use my own money to pay him. I don’t care, I just want to win another title already!”

Bryant will start his search with the inner-city high schools of Los Angeles, and move on to other cities throughout the year.

According to John Moreno, a high school senior at Albany High in northern California, “This is just what I need. Being selected by Kobe Bryant would be a dream come true – I’d love to be Kobe’s partner in crime! Maybe he could even get me some ladies.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!