Bonds “bringing jerk back”

SAN FRANSISCO, CA — After revealing earlier this month that he may not share souvenirs from his home run chase with the Hall of Fame, Barry Bonds explained his motives. Bonds said that he has already shown that he can be the greatest home run hitter, base stealer and all-around hitter, but that even at 43 years old he has not stopped setting goals for himself. “I consider myself the Justin Timberlake of baseball – I’m bringing jerk back,” Bonds said. “At this point of my career, my only concern is taking dickhead to a new level.” Bonds added that while many thought he returned this year to break Hank Aaron’s home run record, he instead did it to become the most hated player of all time. Bonds even acknowledged that while his baseball skills may be declining with age, his unparalleled ability to be completely repulsive is actually getting stronger. “I feel like I’ve become a much more complete jerk. Using drugs, cheating on my wife, lying – I’ve learned a lot of tricks over the years, and hopefully I can keep on taking it up a notch.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!