Agent Zero finds religion – or is it science?

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Over the last several years, Gilbert Arenas has quickly become one of the NBA’s elite superstars. He is seen by most as a quirky, enigmatic player that wears his emotions on his sleeve, so difficult to figure out that he may not even understand himself.

All of that may change after Arenas was named an Operating Thetan VII by the Church of Scientology. This is the highest level a congregant can reach in the church, and fellow scientologist Tom Cruise believes Arenas may be the second coming.

“Gilbert came to me looking for answers, and through the genius of L. Ron Hubbard and his teachings I helped him to be reborn,” said the War of the Worlds star. “With the kind of money he makes, he’s going to have a bright future in this church. Together we will fight the evil forces of Helatrobus, as we have through our thetans for the past trillion years.”

Arenas began studying the religion a week ago, and believes he has already made huge strides. While visiting the Church of Scientology in Washington, the Wizards’ guard had Cruise take a look at the knee he injured late in the season.

“Through the miracles of Scientology, Tom was able to completely heal my knee – better than any doctor could,” Arenas told SSNN. “Any of you who think that medicine is the answer are just stupid and misinformed. Talk to Operating Thetan VII Agent Zero if you want to know the truth.”

Unfortunately for Arenas, he quickly re-injured the knee in a pick-up game outside the church. It is unclear whether Cruise’s healing methods are repeatable.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!