Zito blames lack of focus for early struggles

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — When the San Francisco Giants signed Barry Zito to a $126 million contract, they certainly expected than what they’ve gotten so far.

The prized free agent has started the season by losing his first two games and posting an ERA of 8.18. Giants manager Bruce Bochy had a closed door meeting with his star pitcher on Monday afternoon and walked away convinced Zito will start living up to expectations.

“I just wanted to get an idea as to where his head is at. It seems he’s been dealing with some personal issues for the past couple months,” the first-year Giants skipper said. “Ever since Anna Nicole Smith passed away, he’s been struggling to focus solely on baseball. Pitching seemed to be his second priority – he spent almost every minute fretting over whether Howard K. Stern or Larry Birkhead was the father of that child.”

Luckily for the Giants and their fans, the result of the DNA test to determine Dannielynn’s father was released on April 10. Now that Zito knows Birkhead is the father of the child, he believes he can get down to business and start helping the Giants win some ball games.

“It’s such a relief because, like, for real, I’ve been dying over this,” the pitcher said, showing off his pink “Team Birkhead” t-shirt. “I’ve been watching the E! Channel for, like, ever. I just knew Larry was the daddy. I told all the girls at the salon too, and they didn’t believe me. Shows what they know.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!