Yanks break gajillion mark

NEW YORK, NY — Forbes magazine announced Thursday that the New York Yankees franchise is worth an estimated $1.0013 gajillion.

The magazine added that the Yankees are not only the first team to break the gajillion dollar barrier, but also the first to be valued at more than $1 billion. Yankees owner George Steinbrenner said he is merely attempting to keep up with the times.

“Millions and billions are so twentieth century,” Steinbrenner told SSNN in a phone interview. “Today, baseball is about so much more than a few million dollars or winning 100 games. Whether or not we win the championship this year, I’m the only gajillionaire – so suck it, baseball.”

The announcement was met with criticism from many in baseball. New York Mets owner Fred Wilpon told SSNN, “I am rubber and Steinbrenner is glue, so that big bully is the one who can suck it.” Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein was also skeptical.

“In four years at Yale I never heard the word gajillion. When did everyone forget that I brought the Red Sox a championship at the age of 30?” Epstein said. “Forbes should be doing stories about me, not Richie Rich and his band of overpaid nincompoops.”

The Mets were the second-most valuable team, at $736 million, while the Red Sox were third at $724 million. The Florida Marlins came in last, worth only $12,000 and a 1979 Ford Pinto.