Williams vows to change, take drug use seriously

MIAMI, FL — After a record-breaking collegiate career, Ricky Williams’ life as a pro football player has been a roller-coaster ride of success and disgrace. Since entering the NFL, the running back has shown flashes of the greatness that led to a Heisman Trophy but has been unable to sustain it, thanks in large part to of off-the-field issues.

While playing for the Miami Dolphins, Williams tested positive for marijuana on several occasions – the latest positive test resulted in his suspension for the entire 2006 season. With the 2007 season upcoming, Williams has initiated the reinstatement process and seems to be dedicated to living a marijuana-free life, his focus squarely on football.

“After talking with Ricky, we’re convinced he’s ready to do what it takes to become one of the elite players in this league again,” Dolphins owner Wayne Huizenga said at the owners’ meetings in Phoenix. “He’s denounced the Devil’s weed and has agreed to begin a strictly-administered steroid regimen – like all the greats. We’re excited to see what he’s capable of with some good old-fashioned chemical enhancement.”

SSNN sources indicate Williams’ strong desire to prove he belongs in the NFL have led him to hire steroid guru Jose Canseco as his personal trainer. Canseco gained fame for his steroid use in Major League Baseball, and is known throughout the sports world as the godfather of steroids. SSNN was able to catch up with Canseco as he packed his medicine bag for Dolphins’ camp.

“Listen, this guy is not the Satan spawn you’ve all made him out to be,” Canseco told us. “He just picked the wrong drug – weed makes you slow and tired; too lazy to drink stuff to clean it from your blood. With the steroid cocktail I’m gonna give this kid, he’ll be able to outrace a cheetah and run through a brick wall. Plus, it’s undetectable.”

Steroids are technically illegal in the NFL, but much like traveling in the NBA, officials are happy to turn a blind eye to transgressions. Williams himself believes that steroids are going to have a dramatic impact on his overall performance, and can’t wait to get things started.

“Before I was all about smoking ganja and kicking back to some Bob Marley,” the one time holistic healing student said. “Now it’s ‘roids, Slipknot and a little domestic violence. I can’t wait to get to the Pro Bowl.”

To this point, Williams has been a classic case of a player who is unable to put it all together because of a lack of focus. Now, with his sights set on greatness and a needle in his backside, the sky is the limit.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!