White Sox beef up Cell security

CHICAGO, IL — After starting the 2007 season with two disappointing divisional losses, the Chicago White Sox have announced there will be some changes to improve park security.

Starting next week, Cubs fans attending Sox games will be compelled to check in at a designated area outside of the stadium to declare their allegiance to the North Side. Fans of this ilk will have to be accompanied by a guest that is a verifiable Sox fan, and will also have to wear and display a “Visitor” sticker throughout the contest.

SSNN caught up with Sox GM Kenny Williams for the inside scoop on the new rules. “We know what kind of fans go to Wrigley Field,” Williams said. “They don’t care about the game – it’s about getting as drunk as possible and singing ‘Take Me Out to the Ballgame.’ We much prefer the miserable drunks who just mutter angrily into their fifth beer when things go bad. We don’t need any obnoxious yuppies down here – and if they’re gonna show up, I want to be able to see them coming from a long way away.”

Cubs fans will not be allowed to purchase any Sox merchandise or high-five after Jim Thome home-runs, and must cover their eyes during any post-game fireworks presentations. The staff at SSNN spoke with Cubs management to see if they would make similar changes at Wrigley Field.

“Are you kidding me?” GM Jim Hendry said. “We just want people to enjoy the biggest beer garden in Chicago. To be honest, we count on Sox fans stopping by for a beer or two; nobody expects them to watch. Baseball is for people to watch if they’re bored, and we try to avoid bored fans at Wrigley.”

While the Sox would not specify what exactly the punishment for violating the rules would be, Williams told SSNN “it’ll make those goofy bastards wish they were Bartman.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!