Rivera adresses struggles

NEW YORK, NY — After blowing his second consecutive save opportunity Friday night, New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera immediately addressed the media in an attempt to explain his recent struggles. According to Rivera, the Boston Red Sox blatantly broke the rules of MLB when they scored two runs off the celebrated closer in the eighth inning. “I’m not sure if anyone told them, but I’m Mariano freaking Rivera – I’m kind of a big deal. This is a little uncomfortable, but come on. Don’t they know that they’re not supposed to score on me?” the 1999 World Series MVP said. “It’s common knowledge that when I come in they’re supposed to look really scared of me and go down swinging. The Red Sox’ behavior is simply disrespectful, and I’m tired of facing a team that doesn’t let me have my way.” According to multiple sources at MLB, the league is determining whether the Red Sox were giving their best, or if they were merely lucky. Either way, Rivera is convinced the league must either respond to Boston’s insubordination, or else face the reality of a mediocre Yankee closer for years to come.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!