Pacman’s true vice - Paris

NASHVILLE, TN — Adam “Pacman” Jones was suspended Tuesday for the 2007 NFL season in violation of the NFL’s personal conduct policy, stemming from ten separate incidents where he drew the attention of various law enforcement agencies. According to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Jones’ bad behavior was brought on in large part by a budding friendship with fellow partygoer Paris Hilton. “Let’s be honest – she’s the type to make anyone get a little crazy,” Goodell said. “Nonetheless, just like Britney Spears, Mr. Jones needs to learn a lesson. We’re hoping that this suspension and the loss of nearly $1.3 million can be a wakeup call for Adam – like being photographed without panties was for Britney.” So far, the penalty seems to have had a positive impact on Jones’ outlook. “I think I’ll chill out for a while,” the troubled cornerback told Tennessee reporters. “I mean, I’m just going to wait until I’m retired to go clubhopping with the strippers. No [female] is worth over a million dollars! Plus, if I don’t lose more money, I can make it rain until I’m 75.” Ms. Hilton could not be reached for comment at press time, though popular opinion suggests she would have said something to the effect of, “I like, totally don’t know what you’re talking about.” In a related story, Jones has issued an open offer to the papparazzi to take a photograph of him with no underwear – for a $1,292,500 fee.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!