Number 42 speaks out

BROOKLYN, NY — He has heard people call him conceited, but he just calls it pride. One thing is certain: the Number 42 has quite a bit to be proud of. The number has received plenty of both praise and criticism over the past week, thanks to the celebration of Jackie Robinson Day on Sunday.

“They’re just haters,” 42 said of his critics. “I don’t know about you, but I like seeing myself on TV, and I’m not going to apologize for it.”

42 spends most of his days at home in Brooklyn in semi-retirement. He has seen his popularity plummet in recent years due to Major League Baseball retiring his image. While Commissioner Bud Selig said this was done to honor Jackie Robinson, 42 believes jealousy also played into the decision.

“We had a nasty fight a couple of weeks before he announced the retirement,” 42 recounted to SSNN. “Look, I loved Jackie. When people say he was the only person who could have integrated baseball, it’s the truth. But clearly he couldn’t have done it without me.”

42 alleges that Selig accused him of having an “out of control ego,” and that – as commissioner – he would do everything he could to remove him from the game.

“I mean, what did Jackie even do after he retired?” 42 went on. “Of course he worked with the NAACP and helped the Civil Rights movement, but other than that… I made James Worthy and Ronnie Lott into Hall of Famers. I turned Mariano Rivera into the greatest closer of all time. Where’s my day?”

“Douglas Adams said I was the answer to life, the universe and everything – why isn’t anybody talking about that?” 42 bragged. “I don’t know that it’s necessarily true, but I imagine it could be. I do have a history of greatness; the theory is worth looking into, if nothing else.”

After a lifetime that he assured us was full of hard work and dedication, 42 just wants a little bit of recognition. “It’s so easy. April 15 is Jackie Robinson Day, so let’s just make the sixteenth 42 Day. You gotta admit, it’s got a nice ring to it.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!