Noah recovering from collapsed lung, plastic surgery

ATLANTA, GA — The Florida Gators were in the midst of celebrating their second consecutive NCAA Championship Monday night when disaster struck.

Star forward Joakim Noah was standing on top of the scorer’s table inside the Georgia Dome s a sea of Gator fans gazed up in awe. As he traditionally does when excited, Noah began to pound on his chest with his right hand. After a minute of this, the 2006 NCAA Tournament Most Outstanding Player collapsed and was rushed to Piedmont Hospital in Atlanta.

Doctors quickly diagnosed Noah with a collapsed lung, probably caused by incessant chest pounding. While most of the media wasn’t able to speak with Noah, SSNN reporters were able to sweet-talk their way into the player’s room and ask why he persists in flagellating himself.

“My favorite movie growing up was Fear,” the NBA prospect said. “Mark Wahlberg just looked so [darn] cool when he pounded his chest hard enough to leave that nasty bruise. I thought to myself, ‘That’s the guy I want to be,’ and I’ve tried to model my life after that character. I love Marky Mark.”

Noah’s appearance was particularly shocking – his face covered with bandages, and his notorious long locks gone, replaced by a bald head. These changes are all-the-more drastic given that none of them are required for the lung surgery he underwent.

His Ohio State fans were the hair thieves, sneaking into Noah’s room sometime Tuesday night to buzz him. The facial bandages, however, are the result of a request Noah’s mother made while he was unconscious.

“It was about time somebody did something with that face of his,” Cecilia Rodhe, Noah’s mother, said. “He may have been the ugliest baby ever; as a mother you hope he’s a swan, but nothing changed after childhood – he just got taller. You’ve seen him. His eyes were nearly eight feet apart! It was a face even a mother couldn’t love.”

Doctors refused to give out details regarding what Noah may look like once healed, but his hospital room is filled with publicity shots of Enriqué Iglesias.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!