MLB changes rules to suit sensitive players

MILWAUKEE, WI — Due to forecasts of frigid temperatures and high winds, the Chicago White Sox and Minnesota Twins game scheduled for Friday night was postponed, as was a game between the Detroit Tigers and Toronto Blue Jays earlier in the week.

With weather conditions wreaking havoc on the beginning of the MLB season, players are demanding that league take action. Trying to quell a league-wide revolt, Commissioner Bud Selig has decided to take steps to ensure players won’t be forced to play in less-than-ideal climates.

“Our players are finely-tuned athletic machines, and we have a responsibility to listen closely to their concerns,” the one-time Milwaukee Brewers’ owner said. “It seems to me that it’s simply impossible to play baseball in this weather.”

Selig went on to say that he will postpone any game scheduled for a time when forecasts predict temperatures under 45 degrees. SSNN investigators have discovered that despite the commissioner’s assertions, baseball has been played in cold weather before, and though MLB will now close its doors on chilly days, many leagues across the country refuse to do so.

In one such league, 8-year-old Beau Lauderdale played his first tee-ball game in twenty-degree weather.

“Mommy said to put my Sponge Bob sweater under my uniform,” the little slugger said, after going 2-for-3 with 3 RBI. “I wasn’t cold. I’m a big boy!”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!