MLB – The Final Frontier

MILWAUKEE, WI — MLB commissioner Bud Selig knows that baseball is not America’s favorite sport anymore. As he heard about the NFL and NBA exploring moves into foreign markets this past week, Selig felt he needed to let baseball fans know not to worry, and that he has a plan.

“Really, I think I’ve done a good job,” Selig told SSNN on Friday. “Well, other than cancelling the World Series, letting performance-enhancing drugs run rampant in the sport and being leapfrogged by the NFL in terms of popularity. Excepting those things, my reign has been pretty successful.”

With NBA commissioner David Stern promising five foreign teams in the next 20 years and NFL head Roger Goodell talking about playing a Super Bowl in Europe, Selig knows it is time for a more active approach.

“I would like to point out that I am the man who forced the Montreal Expos to play games in Puerto Rico a couple years back. Still, playing more games or putting a team in Latin America is too damn played. Without giving up too much, I’ve got one word for you: outer space.” [Ed. Note: In deference to Selig's stature, we chose not to mention that "outer space" is two words.]

Since baseball has already missed the bus on international play, Selig has decided to concede the market to the other two leagues. He said that baseball must concentrate on areas where they have a chance to be at the forefront.

“I was watching Star Wars last night and it was freaking badass,” said Selig, playing with his limited-edition Han Solo action figure. “It seemed like everyone was having so much fun in space, and all of a sudden it dawned on me: let’s play baseball in space! Eat it, NFL.”

Selig refused to expound upon his expansion plans, but as he strapped Han Solo into his model Millennium Falcon, a piece of paper fell from his briefcase. The document had what appeared to be potential team names, including the Mars Marlins, the NASA Adult Diapers and the Uranus A-Holes. On the reverse of the page was a naked drawing of Princess Leia.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!