Konerko hoping to shed nickname

OAKLAND, CA — Chicago White Sox All-Star first baseman Paul Konerko is used to pressure situations and coming up with big hits. He can handle the crowd noise and the flashing lights before a pitch but there is one thing the slugger admit’s he “can’t stand.”

“I really hate it when the crowd at U.S. Cellular starts to shout ‘Paulie, Paulie,’” said a disgruntled Konerko before Monday night’s game in Oakland. “When it first started, I figured it would be a one time thing. Then Hawk [Ken Harrelson] decided to keep saying it during TV broadcasts and now I’m stuck with it.”

While Konerko’s frustration may initially come as a shock to White Sox fans, the history behind his hatred for the nickname is understandable.

“When I was a kid, all I ever heard was ‘Paulie want a cracker?’ from the other kids. It got so bad that my parents had to take me out of school. I was home schooled for years thanks to that stupid name,” Konerko said. “I’ve tried to bring this up before, but with Ozzie always taking the spotlight away from the team, we [the players] can hardly get a word in edgewise. When Jerry [Manuel] was the manager I talked to him about going to the press, but he threatened to put a Buddha curse on me if I did. I guess he thought it would be a bad vibe for the team if I went public.”

When asked what he would rather have the fans shout, Konerko requested “simple applause. Why do I need a nickname? Am I some sort of sideshow act?”

While the media will attempt to oblige Konerko and spread the word among White Sox fans, not all fans seemed willing to honor his request. A self-described “typical sox fan” and lifetime Chicagoan – Bill Grabowski, 52 – is among those not willing to part with the popular chant.

“Ya know what? Dat bum Konerko don’t know nuttin’ about what it’s like to be a blue-collar worker in dis city. If I wanna shout his name after he does sumthin for da Sox, you bet yer ass I’m gonna,” Grabowski barked. “Matter o’ fact, the first thing I’m gonna do tomorrow morning on the way to work is call the Mike North show and let him know how us true Sox fans really feel about PAULIE!”

If Grabowski really represents the majority of Sox fans, it seems the only thing Konerko can do to stop the repetition of his dreaded nickname is to stop making big plays on the diamond. Then, and only then, will Paul Konerko be able to put his troubled childhood behind him forever.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!