Hot Topics: MLB NFL NBA baseball New York Yankees steroids ESPN Chicago Cubs Boston Red Sox NCAA football

Main Menu

Home	About
Features	Submit
Facebook	MySpace
Friends	NSR
Contact	Mad-Libs
Archives	Gallery
Sponsors	Advertise
Subscribe	Jobs
SCNN	Pryzms

Go to Vividseats.com to get all hard-to-find Sports Tickets, including all NCAA Football Tickets , Basketball Tickets , Baseball Tickets , College Basketball Tickets , Tennis Tickets , PGA Tickets, NASCAR Tickets, NFL Tickets , and Super Bowl Tickets.

Get free NFL picks from PicksNFL.com
Wunderdog Sports is your source for football picks Get free football picks at TopTenCappers.com

Check out EnglishHarbour Network, the best and trusted online casino providing the online slots, table games and other casino games. Visit us for the best online gambling experience and great casino bonuses.

Cheap Sports Tickets
14 major suppliers
mega major $$$ deals
... Sports Ticket Depot.

TOUTHOUSE.COM
NFL Betting Predictions, Free NFL Picks and Current Football Odds

Brett Favre |New Curse

Ticket Solutions
Sports Tickets
NFL
Baseball
Super Bowl
World Series
NCAA Tournament

See the DC United Playoffs with MLS tickets. All your other favorite sports events tickets are also at RazorGator.

Cheap Premium Tickets.com
Get tickets to your favorite sporting events including New York Giants tickets, Pittsburgh Steelers tickets, Detroit Red Wings tickets, Los Angeles Lakers tickets, San Francisco Giants tickets and more.

News Item

Kiper AWOL from ESPN

BRISTOL, CT — An ESPN spokesman announced Wednesday that the media conglomerate was offering $1 million for any information regarding the whereabouts of NFL Draft Expert Mel Kiper, Jr. Kiper escaped from ESPN studios late Tuesday night, and attempts to contact him have failed

The spokesman added that there is no reason to believe foul play was involved, and that ESPN and its family of networks is working around the clock to find the missing draft guru.

“We understand that this is an especially tough time for Mr. Kiper,” an ESPN statement read. “But we also want him to now that we love him, miss him, and really need him to come back because Todd McShay can’t read his notes. Please come home, Mel.”

SSNN was able to track down Kiper using various spy gadgets of questionable legality. Kiper spoke to us on the condition that we would not turn him in. [Ed. Note: It's probably best to note at this point that we don't need the money anyway.]

“I don’t think I can go back,” the beleaguered super-scout said. “They haven’t let me sleep in two months, and I barely have time to eat or drink anything. They want me to be on camera 24 hours a day talking about this stupid draft. I mean, is it just me or is this getting ridiculous?”

Kiper was not able to speak with us for long, adding that he had to keep moving to avoid being caught by one of ESPN’s proprietary surveillance satellites. He plans to find an underground location to use as a hiding place, preferably one with some major heat source to avoid detection by infrared scanner.

The sports network is not the only party feeling lost in the wake of Kiper’s disappearance. Many NFL teams plan on boycotting the draft if he does not return to work before Saturday.

“Oh man am I screwed,” an anonymous NFL general manager told SSNN. “I haven’t been paying any attention to these college guys and we let our scouting department go after the 2004 season. There’s no point when someone else does all the legwork: I was just going to use Mel’s draft board to tell me who to pick.”

If you’re new here, you may want to subscribe to our newsletter or RSS feed and get hilarious sports news every day. Thanks for visiting!

Labels: ESPN, Mel Kiper Jr., NFL, NFL Draft

Posted on April 25th, 2007

Got a headline idea? Click here to submit it... and be sure to visit our Facebook page!

Other Related News Items

Kiper, McShay to square off in MMA fight to settle draft beef (April 3, 2008)
Cowell receives surprising position at ESPN (May 10, 2008)
ESPN scraps “Sports Guy on Tape” (March 30, 2008)
ESPN shuts down after running out of hair care products (May 28, 2008)

Link To This Post

Comments

Be the first to leave a comment on this story below...

Search Our Site

Subscribe to SSNN's Newsletter

Check Out These Classics

Multimedia News

Vertical Soccer

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!

View Multimedia Archives...

Photo Gallery

Visit our Gallery for a full listing of images...

News In Brief

Get Free Sports Picks including March Madness Picks, Sports Betting Strategy and the 2008 March Madness Bracket From Doc's College Basketball handicappers

Want CHEAP sports tickets? From NASCAR tickets to WWE tickets, or Red Sox tickets, Final Four tickets to discount Super Bowl tickets, find great deals on all kinds of event tickets here.

Sports fans may not always be serious about their news, but they're serious about their tickets. For NBA Playoffs tickets or Raptors tickets in Toronto, or Cowboys tickets online, CTC has a serious selection of the best sports tickets on the web. Get NY Giants tickets and sold out Super Bowl tickets too!

Serious Online Sports Betting at BetUS - America's favorite Sportsbook. Bet on any sport - football, tennis , UFC, golf or basketball .

Pickspal.com
Football Picks
College Football Picks

MTC Tickets
Sold Out Events Tickets
Justin Timberlake Tour
American Idol Seats
Broadway Theater Tickets
Sold Out Sports Tickets
Hot Concert Tickets
March Madness Tickets

Golf is at its finest with Masters Tickets, while other historically important Sports Tickets like the Kentucky Derby Packages, and NFL Super Bowl Tickets are always hard to come by!