Kiper AWOL from ESPN

BRISTOL, CT — An ESPN spokesman announced Wednesday that the media conglomerate was offering $1 million for any information regarding the whereabouts of NFL Draft Expert Mel Kiper, Jr. Kiper escaped from ESPN studios late Tuesday night, and attempts to contact him have failed

The spokesman added that there is no reason to believe foul play was involved, and that ESPN and its family of networks is working around the clock to find the missing draft guru.

“We understand that this is an especially tough time for Mr. Kiper,” an ESPN statement read. “But we also want him to now that we love him, miss him, and really need him to come back because Todd McShay can’t read his notes. Please come home, Mel.”

SSNN was able to track down Kiper using various spy gadgets of questionable legality. Kiper spoke to us on the condition that we would not turn him in. [Ed. Note: It's probably best to note at this point that we don't need the money anyway.]

“I don’t think I can go back,” the beleaguered super-scout said. “They haven’t let me sleep in two months, and I barely have time to eat or drink anything. They want me to be on camera 24 hours a day talking about this stupid draft. I mean, is it just me or is this getting ridiculous?”

Kiper was not able to speak with us for long, adding that he had to keep moving to avoid being caught by one of ESPN’s proprietary surveillance satellites. He plans to find an underground location to use as a hiding place, preferably one with some major heat source to avoid detection by infrared scanner.

The sports network is not the only party feeling lost in the wake of Kiper’s disappearance. Many NFL teams plan on boycotting the draft if he does not return to work before Saturday.

“Oh man am I screwed,” an anonymous NFL general manager told SSNN. “I haven’t been paying any attention to these college guys and we let our scouting department go after the 2004 season. There’s no point when someone else does all the legwork: I was just going to use Mel’s draft board to tell me who to pick.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!