Jones to be more involved than ever

DALLAS, TX — Despite being known as the most hands-on owner in the NFL, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones always seems to want a bigger piece of the action.

After an off-season spent trying to figure out how he could possibly have a more active role in the day-to-day operations of the team, Jones and new Cowboys coach Wade Phillips sat down at a joint press conference Monday to announce some changes.

“Basically we’ve developed a microchip that will be inserted into the anus of Coach Phillips,” Jones told a disgusted group of reporters. “From there I will be able to hear everything that is said and immediately tell Coach how to respond. If you’ve ever seen the movie Inner Space – you know, with Martin Short – it’s kind of like that, only without shrinking me.”

Many were shocked that the process would involve such an invasive procedure, but Jones assured SSNN that the Coach will feel nothing more than slight pressure during the insertion process. To illustrate the effectiveness of the microchip, Phillips described a typical day at practice with the chip.

“Jerry is going to be up my ass all day, every day,” the former San Diego Chargers defensive coordinator said. “He’s going to be a part of my life now; there won’t ever be a moment when he’s not around. Which will be nice, because he won’t have to show up at my doorstep at 3 A.M. wanting to talk about T.O.”

If the operation is successful, league sources indicate that Redskins’ owner Daniel Snyder will attempt a similar installation for his coach, Joe Gibbs.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!