Grossman named best “500″ thrower in sports

LOS ANGELES, CA — At the annual Five-Hundred Awards, Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman was presented with the first-ever Achievement in Professional Sports prize. Five-hundred is a popular children’s sport where a “thrower” tosses a ball high into the air for a number of “receivers” to attempt to catch; the receiver who catches the ball is awarded a score based on a number yelled by the thrower as he throws. [Ed. Note: For more on the rules and procedural oddities of "500," please email serioussportsnews@gmail.com.] The game’s governing body (the Council of Five-Hundred) recognized Grossman as the “Foremost 500 Thrower Currently Competing as a Professional Athlete.” Grossman was not present to accept the award, but did check in by videoconference to thank the Council and promise to “continue throwing passes high into the air so as to provide everyone with an equal chance to catch them.” Though Grossman later admitted he had never heard of the Council of Five-Hundred before winning the trophy, he also mentioned that his gift for tossing jump balls does date back to his 500-playing days as an Indiana toddler.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!