Foul ball sparks Wrigley riot

CHICAGO – Wednesday, April 25, 2007 was an ugly day in the history of the Chicago Cubs and their famously loyal fans. In the middle of the sixth inning of a game against the Milwaukee Brewers, a lazy pop fly off the bat of Cubs catcher Henry Blanco drifted into foul territory along the first base line. It is the type of thing that happens a dozen or so times a game, but this time was terribly different. No one could have predicted the carnage that ensued.

A young Cubs fan – no older than 10 – stood with his mouth agape as the ball careened towards him, when suddenly an obviously intoxicated 30-something man dove head long over four rows of seats in an attempt to snag the coveted souvenir. In the midst of his Budweiser belly flop, he horse-collar tackled the young boy to the ground, preventing either from catching the ball.

Seeing an opportunity, a woman that could have been anyone’s grandmother threw a stiff-arm that would have made Walter Payton proud, knocking what appeared to be a vacationing college student violently to the concrete.

Soon after, a free-for-all saw fans from all over the stadium flooding to the already crowded area as the players from both teams became the spectators. The ball itself was no longer visible, but it was easy to see that everyone was willing to do whatever necessary to get their hands on it.

“Man, that was my one shot at catching a foul ball and I blew it,” said Josh Burton, a fan that took part in the melee. “I thought I had it for just a second until some hot broad pulled my shirt over my head and literally pounded my face in. I’m not sure how I’m going to recover after this one – I would have done damn near anything for that thing.”

SSNN was able to track down the man who won the battle royale and speak to him about the incident; the experience is one he’ll never forget. “I won’t lie, I was pretty blotto. I don’t know how I even ended up getting near it. I mean, I was sitting in the upper deck,” longtime Cubs fan Johnny “Da Beast” Morrissey recalled.

“I’m not sure if I went over the railing or down the ramp, but I suddenly found myself sitting on some whiney little kid’s head and there’s this ball in my lap. I knew it must have been valuable because everybody was trying to grab it from me.”

When asked if he felt that it may have been a little excessive to so violently subdue a small child, ‘Da Beast’ showed no signs of regret. “Catching a foul ball off the bat of Henry Blanco is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Think of all the possibilities in front of me: I could probably sell it on eBay for two, maybe three dollars.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!