Dick Clark arrested

ATLANTA, GA — Atlanta authorities announced Saturday that television personality Dick Clark has been arrested on conspiracy charges. The arrest is the culmination of the city’s year-long investigation, colloquially known as the ‘Rain Delay Scandal.’ Fulton County District Attorney Paul Howard said that the 77-year-old Clark could be looking at 10 to 15 years in a state prison.

“We kept getting complaints about that awful blooper show that Mr. Clark hosts being shown during every Atlanta Braves rain delay,” Howard explained. “I mean, TBS is an established television station – they’ve got to have something better to play.”

Authorities were first alerted to the problem after a study released last year found out that area suicides rose 200% while the blooper show was on air. Furthermore, of those who did not take their own lives, 98% of Braves fans interviewed said they would rather watch the rain fall to a soundtrack of classical music.

“I’m sorry, but after five minutes of Mr. Clark’s show I began to question my reasons for living,” said study participant Camille Canales. “Who thought showing an hour’s worth of bloopers from Two Guys, A Girl and A Pizza Place would pass as acceptable television? Oh, and the cartoon guy that cleans up everything is not funny. If I talk about this any more I’m going to vomit.”

The investigation found that Clark and two unnamed executives in TBS’ programming department were making thousands of dollars every time the blooper reel aired. During the nine Braves’ rain delays that were scheduled to be shown on TBS in 2006, Mr. Clark’s blooper show ran 25 times – it was the only show to air during a delay. Authorities say Clark was planning to infiltrate TBS’ college football schedule as well, possibly as soon as this upcoming season.

Howard said that the two executives are likely to receive the death penalty, while most agree that 10 to 15 years of hard time is “just as good as a death sentence for Dick.” He added that the investigation found Clark’s motive to be simple greed.

“Apparently, Mr. Clark doesn’t have much money coming in,” Howard said. “Other than this blooper travesty, he only makes one television appearance each year [on New Year's Rockin' Eve.] Mr. Clark told us during interrogation that though he has made a lot of money over the years, he’s spent virtually every penny.”