Cubs sell to fans

CHICAGO, IL — The new owner of the Tribune Company, Sam Zell, announced early Friday that rather than sell the Chicago Cubs, he will make the team a publicly traded property, making it possible for fans of the team to buy stock in the club. It is the same successful system currently used by the NFL’s Green Bay Packers, but the Cubs are the first MLB team to try it.

More than half of the stock was immediately purchased, and experts predict the rest will be gone within the next 24 hours. The stockholders – calling themselves Cubs Owners of Chicago Know Success – have already started holding meetings at a Wrigleyville bar. A representative from COCKS told SSNNN that once all the stock is sold, capacity is likely to become an issue and meetings will move to a larger facility, also fully equipped with Old Style.

“The first thing you have to know is that all true Cubs fans are COCKS, and all COCKS are true Cubs fans,” said the group’s leader, Wrigley Bleachers. Bleachers, along with fellow members Nineteen O’Eight and Ivy Walls, changed their names after purchasing stock in the Cubs to prove that they were “real COCKS.”

“The first meeting, every time someone threw out an idea, we would throw it back; like it was a visiting team’s home run,” said Bleachers. “We did that for about six hours. It was really funny, but not too much got done.”

Apparently, the second attempt was similarly unsuccessful: “We started off by agreeing that every time someone said ‘Cubs’ we would drink. An hour into it we were too trashed to accomplish anything.”

The three had mixed feelings about the COCKS’ most recent get-together. “We decided we needed some smack talk, so we tried to find out how many Cardinals or White Sox fans it would take to screw in a light bulb. It turned out it would only take one, which isn’t really that funny or even smack talk at all,” Walls said. “But then we had a great idea – we’re going to run a season-long promotion called ‘Drink the Curse Away.’ It’s not a promotion in the typical sense of the word, because the fans aren’t really getting anything. Mostly it’s a great excuse to drink excessively.”

Bleachers said he ends each meeting the same way, with positive reinforcement. “It’s in the name: we’re Cubs fans, we know success, we’re COCKS.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!