Crisp changes name

BOSTON, MA — It’s not unheard of for a professional athlete to change their name during their career. NBA Hall of Famer Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was Lew Alcindor at UCLA, and boxing legend Muhammad Ali started his career as Cassius Clay.

In that respect, it wasn’t really a surprise when Boston Red Sox center fielder Coco Crisp walked into Suffolk County Superior Court and legally changed his name Wednesday morning.

“Look, I’m tired of bein’ Coco Crisp; it’s just too damn soft,” he told reporters outside the courthouse. “As of today, ya’ll can refer to me as Count Chocula. I ain’t flaky no more, I got some fangs and marshmallows so people can finally take me seriously. It’s ’bout to be on.”

Chocula’s given name was Covelli Crisp, but it was virtually never used by teammates, stadium announcers or even MLB administration. SSNN sources have revealed that one reason for the name change was a crowd of Yankees fans that teased him about how soggy he got when they added a little milk.

Apparently the mockery intensified when his teammates chose Frosted Flakes as the team cereal. Team leaders Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz constantly praised the frosted sugar cereal, and credited it for “bringing out the tiger” in them.

The rest of the team was unavailable for comment, but Chocula said he hopes the switch will get the club off to a great start each and every morning.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!