Comic Cardinals touring nation

ST LOUIS, MO — The hottest touring comedy show of the season – the St. Louis Cardinals – has hit the road. The team’s general manager, Walt Jocketty, believes the team needed new goals after winning a World Series Championship in 2006.

“I’m just being honest: I think we were pretty lucky last year, and even with all that playoff revenue and the hype behind our new stadium, we decided to go in a different direction in 2007,” the GM told SSNN in an exclusive interview. “Sure, we could spend money and try to win games like the Yankees and Red Sox, but that’s not us – and frankly, we think it’s kinda played. We’re going to entertain in a different way, but we will entertain.”

The Cardinals more than 150 remaining stops on the tour, barring some fluke allowing them to continue into October. The lineup is sure to change, but after the first three shows it is obvious the current cast has great chemistry.

Tony LaRussa drives the team drunk, stumbling out to the pitcher’s mound three or four times each game. If fans are lucky, they may even get to see the skipper take an alcohol-induced nap.

The St. Louis outfield – the oldest this side of San Francisco – has been the show-stopper so far. So Taguchi and Jim Edmonds clearly grasp the physical side of comedy, as they stumble and fall all over the outfield.

“Jimmy has been hilarious so far, but that’s really no surprise,” Jocketty said. “That’s why we brought him back – we figure soon he’ll get hurt, and that’s always good for a laugh.”

While most of the team has been receptive to the changes, Jocketty said there are a few players who are fighting the change. “I love Chris Carpenter, but he’s a little too focused on winning for what we’re trying to do now,” he said. “We put him on the 15-day DL to send a message: he’ll spend the rest of the season riding pine if he can’t get with the program.”

The biggest problem child, though, has been first baseman Albert Pujols. “We don’t really know what to do with Albert. In the clubhouse, he’s so funny. Somehow that’s lost in translation when he gets on the field.” Jocketty added that if Pujols can’t master the “swing and miss” technique, they may have to trade him. “It’s like the Washington Generals having Michael Jordan; it just doesn’t work.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!