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Chicago, Los Angeles marshalling forces for Olympic showdown
CHICAGO, IL — After weeks of extreme tensions between Chicago and Los Angeles, the cities have declared war on one another and are preparing for a battle the likes of which have never been seen on American soil. The cities have been mired in conflict since it was announced they would be competing against one another for the United States Olympic Committee’s host city nomination for the 2016 Summer Olympics.
Chicago Mayor Richard M. Daley held an emergency press conference Thursday afternoon and officially declared war against Los Angeles.
“We have done everything possible to avoid this situation,” Daley said, with Governor Rod Blagojevich standing behind him. “I have personally bribed every person of power I can get to in Los Angeles, yet they persist in selfishly refusing to accede to our nomination. As the Mayor of Chicago, I am left with no choice but to declare war upon the City of Los Angeles as of this instant. People of Chicago, I call on you to prepare for a battle that we hope to finish quickly. There may be bloodshed, but the lives lost in the fight will be more than replaced by the visitors this monumental 2016 event will draw.”
Los Angeles Mayor Antonio R. Villaraigosa was quick to respond during a press conference held only minutes after Daley’s ceased.
“The City of Los Angeles has had enough of this insubordination,” Villaraigosa said to the millions watching. “We declare war on them! Our army of celebrities – led by General Arnold Schwarzenegger – is ready to unleash a fury of bad press and hurtful vibes on Chicago. War isn’t pretty, but– well, sometimes it’s fought by the beautiful.”
For the past couple weeks, Chicago has been assembling a militia in the middle of Grant Park in preparation for this eventuality. People from all over the metropolitan area have been flooding into the city, ready to give everything they have to fulfill the dream of hosting the Olympics in Chicago.
“I’ve waited my entire life for the opportunity to be a part of the Olympics,” Chicagoland resident Billy Murphy said. “I get tears in my eyes just thinking about this city flooded with traffic as far as the eye can see, while people from all over the world use my great city like a giant garbage can. We’re happy to clean up the mess, and you can damn sure bet we’re ready to sacrifice billions of taxpayer dollars and as many lives as it takes for the privilege.”
While Murphy prepares for the impending battle, those that aren’t able to fight are behind the Chicago Militia in every possible way. “When we win this war, everything is going to change,” 70-year-old Chicagoan Chris Boylan told SSNN. “Millions of people will come to this city, and we’re ready to wait on them hand and foot. We don’t need their respect, but we’ll do just about anything to get their money. God Bless that militia.”
In Los Angeles, Schwarzenegger is organizing an offensive that will be delivered in two parts. First, celebrity activists Susan Surandon and Tim Robbins will berate the nation for even thinking Chicago should host the Olympics. Experts feel this will have a dramatic effect in the initial stages of the war, given the nation’s propensity to take celebrities at their word.
The second phase is going to be handled by Schwarzenegger directly, and will begin immediately. Thousands of unemployed actors, stunt doubles, porn stars, forgotten athletes, midgets and coked-up pop stars will combine to form the largest B-list fighting force ever assembled. The General is confident his militia is not only prepared to fight, but can easily get away from ‘work’ for a month or two to volunteer for the battle.
“We are going to crush these blue-collar idiots like the scum that they are,” we believe the general said while perched upon his chrome Hummer. [Ed. Note: Let's be honest, there's no way to be sure exactly what he said.] “Their city is a puny little wasteland, and we will show them what annihilation is. It is the End of Days for Chicago – I am Terminator, Conan and Kindergarten Cop united as one. I am unstoppable.”
Most of those preparing to fight for Los Angeles don’t have much to offer competence-wise, but their level of commitment is unmatched. “Dude, it’s like eighty and sunny every day here,” said Dwayner Nolan, Venice Beach denizen. “That’s hella tight, man. And like, it takes you two hours to get anywhere in L.A. anyway, so what’s a little extra traffic?”
As of Thursday evening, the Chicago militia was moving out of the city at a snail’s pace, due in large part to near-constant stops for pizza, brats and beer; meanwhile the Los Angeles offensive was at a standstill thanks to a shortage of pocket mirrors for the troops. At their current pace, the two sides will clash somewhere in southeastern Colorado in about six months, approximately five months and twenty-nine days after the USOC makes it’s selection.
While there has never been a civil war – or any war, for that matter – fought solely over the Olympics, Mayor Daley believes that the advantages are too great for the city to let this opportunity simply pass by.
“We as a city stand at a crossroads in history. We can either leave Chicago the way it is – with its beautiful lakefront and sparkling skyline – or we can open our doors to the athletes of the world and their many filthy and disrespectful supporters. I think I speak for all our citizens when I say we’ll slaughter as many dirty hippies as it takes to earn the USOC’s nomination.”
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Labels: Chicago, Los Angeles, militia, Olympics, Richard M. Daley, Rod Blagojevich, Susan Sarandon, Tim Robbins, USOC, war
Posted on April 13th, 2007
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