Buehrle accepts blame for Contreras’ bad outing

CHICAGO, IL — April 2, 2007 should have been a day of hope for the thousands of Chicagoans who filled the seats at U.S. Cellular Field to watch the White Sox and opening day starter Jose Contreras.

Unfortunately the Cuban pitcher showed nothing of the form that helped him dominate the 2005 post-season, instead surrendering 8 runs and retiring only three batters in an inning-plus. Two days after the debacle, fans and media learned the distressing cause of Contreras’ struggles – pointers from fellow pitcher Mark Buehrle, who is attempting to rebound from a career-worst season in 2006.

“Buehrle just give me small pointers, I no change much.” Contreras muttered Wednesday in his endearingly broken brand of English. “Most helpful thing he teach me is speaking – so I talk to ASU bitch.”

After extensive investigation, SSNN has discovered that Contreras was referring to pickup lines Buehrle taught him during a long night of drinking at an Arizona State bar. According to Brandi Effalot, a sixth-year senior at ASU, Contreras went home with another student after approaching her with the line, “Hi, I’m new in town. Can I have directions to your house?” [Ed. Note: SSNN's sources have confirmed that the average ASU female responds to such an inquiry with, "It would be silly to give you directions, why don't I just walk you there?"]

When pressed, Buehrle expressed regret for his actions: “Yeah, I guess I knew women weaken legs. In retrospect, it probably wasn’t a good idea; but José was dealing with a wicked dry spell – I thought a nice young lady might be just the thing to get his velocity up.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!