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News Item

Yankees buy title

NEW YORK, NY — Despite the fact that George Steinbrenner’s Yankee organization has outspent most of the third world combined, they haven’t made it to the World Series in more than three years. With all else failing, the eccentric owner decided that enough was enough – instead of buying players to win a World Series, he has decided to simply buy the World Series Championship itself, leaving nothing to chance.

On Wednesday, Major League Baseball officials confirmed the sale of the 2007 World Series title to the Yankees for a reported $1.5 billion, with an option to purchase the 2008 title for an additional $2.5 billion. “It’s a great day for Yankees fans everywhere, and we feel that we got one hell of a bargain from the MLB. Top THAT Boston!” Steinbrenner hollered from TV screens around the country.

Specifics of the deal are still sketchy at the moment, but it seems the season will go on as planned. The Yankees will play their regular schedule this year; however, they will be given a 55 run lead at the start of every game and will set the starting lineup of their opposition. If that wasn’t enough, pitchers cannot throw over seventy miles per hour and must throw it directly down the middle of the plate.

Manager Joe Torre is letting the fans know that despite this obvious advantage, the team will face some challenges this season. “Owning the championship ahead of time will benefit us; I’m not going to lie about that. But one thing we can’t control is the weather, and everyone knows that can dictate the outcome of any game – even if you are winning by 55,” the skipper warned with a self-important smirk.

The Yankees will now be the first franchise in history to have a realistic shot at a perfect season, and will undoubtedly rewrite the record book as they progress through the year. The deal also allows the Yankees to name the World Series MVP now, and Steinbrenner decided to bestow the honor upon team captain Derek Jeter. “I’d like to thank Mr. Steinbrenner and MLB for this honor, and also my teammates for giving everything they- er, for everything they are going to give this season. It just goes to show you hard work does pay off,” Jeter told reporters in the locker room as he bounced a supermodel on his knee.

According to league sources, Alex Rodriguez was the runner up in MVP voting – with Steinbrenner predicting he will finish an astounding 24-24 at the plate with 22 home runs and 55 RBI – thereby vindicating himself for years of post-season failure. “Even though some fans have doubted me all these years, and screamed for the team to get rid of me, I knew that it wouldn’t be long before I proved the kind of player I am. It’s going to be a very rewarding experience; one that I’ll cherish forever,” A-Rod said, wiping away tears of joy with hundred-dollar bills.

MLB also made an exception for first baseman Jason Giambi at the request of Steinbrenner: they will no longer test him for performance enhancing drugs and will allow Jose Canseco in the locker room as his personal trainer. “It’s about time the league wizened up and realized that fans love the raw Italian power that my natural supplements bring,” the pimply-faced slugger said as Jose plunged a syringe deep into his posterior.

Fans will have the opportunity to purchase Yankees 2007 World Series Championship merchandise starting on opening day at Yankee Stadium, or on MLB.com.

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Labels: Derek Jeter, George Steinbrenner, Jason Giambi, Joe Torre, Jose Canseco, MLB, New York Yankees, World Series

Posted on March 16th, 2007

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Other Related News Items

• New “glass-is-half-full” Steinbrenner repents, extends Torre (October 25, 2007)
• Yanks break gajillion mark (April 22, 2007)
• Abbas and Olmert agree to peace between Red Sox and Yankees (November 28, 2007)
• Yankees announce plan to annex Quebec (March 6, 2008)

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