Vitale pried from Coach K

DURHAM, NC — After more than a decade of research and surgery, doctors were successfully able to remove Dick Vitale’s lips from Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski’s posterior. The pair has never publicly revealed how Vitale’s lips came to be permanently puckered up to Coach K’s rear (though there have been more than a few theories floating around the internet about it). In the wake of the successful operation, doctors revealed that they have been ready to perform the operation for several years, but had been unable to convince Vitale to agree to it. “It seems that after kissing Coach K’s backside for so long and having people become accustomed to it, Mr. Vitale felt it was natural and completely appropriate,” one of the surgeons explained. A close friend who spoke on condition of anonymity described the general reaction to the pair before they went under the knife. “It was one of those things where you can’t look away for some reason. Everywhere Coach K went, there was Vitale, lips pressed to the royal buttocks. It was pretty annoying, honestly.” Doctors expect both men to make a full recovery physically, but Vitale may never recover emotionally.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!