The 300: San Francisco under attack

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Local sports fans in are mounting a last ditch effort at the Marina Sports Bar in San Francisco, in hopes of making a stand against the legions of ignorant Bostonians that have overrun the once-proud city.

Conditions in the “Baghdad by the Bay” have also worsened over the last 48 hours as a front of Chicago Cubs fans (all of whom grew up in Nebraska) looted the remains of the Oakland/Hayward/East Bay A’s fan base and charged west. That horde met the savage transplanted Bostonians on the Bay Bridge, and together they are pillaging the San Francisco waterfront.

San Francisco’s 300 surviving sports fans are barricaded behind the Marina Sports Bar, cooking eggs and spinach and swapping stories about Jose Uribe, Rick “Big Daddy” Reuschel and Chili Davis to keep their spirits high. Outside, dozens of pasty-white drunks wearing matching JD Drew jerseys prepared the siege weapons.

San Francisco’s affluent young Marina district has been renamed Wrigleyburg by the violent junta, as all minorities and women were tortured and exiled. Supreme Baseball Ayatollah John Adams (of Cambridge, Mass.) declared San Francisco “too hippy-ish,” and unfit to support its local MLB squads. “Our takeover will be wicked complete by the end of spring training,” Adams said. “We will be spreading the good news to other cities on the West Coast.”

Adams ended the press conference by reciting the hallowed Red Sox/Cub/Yankee/Pansy Mantra:

“I do not really like my baseball team, I just like the way my hat looks on me.
I do not know what a squeeze play is, I do not care if a splitter splits anything, I love a wicked good home run.
I love paying 9 dollars for a beer because that means it’s good.
All hail, all hail.”

Baseball fans from Seattle and San Diego called Commissioner Bud Selig’s office and asked him to intercede and stop the carnage, but were all forwarded to voicemail. When reached by an SSNN reporter, the commissioner would only say that he has “not yet decided whether the league will recognize these events.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!