Summitt, Pearl go down

KNOXVILLE, TN — Approaching arguably the most important weekend of the year, but two tragedies have struck the University of Tennessee basketball teams. Both teams’ coaches, Bruce Pearl and Pat Summitt, were injured in freak accidents and will be unable to coach in their Sweet Sixteen games this weekend. Pearl was hospitalized this morning after an allergic reaction to a new brand of body paint, while Summitt took a nasty fall during a cheerleading exercise. Both incidents occurred in preparation for an upcoming pep rally. “This is a disaster,” said Tennessee athletic director Mike Hamilton. “We couldn’t find the same paint we used last time, so we had to use a new brand. Unfortunately, Bruce may be orange for the rest of his life; if he lives through it.” Hamilton also expressed regret for Summitt’s accident. “In hindsight, it may have been a bit much to ask a 55-year-old woman to do a quadruple summersault. Needless to say, at the next pep rally we’ll probably just do some straightforward cheers – no more tumbling.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!