Stern to restrict players’ musical selection

SECAUCUS, NJ — Before last season, the NBA instituted a dress code for its players in an attempt to improve the league’s national image – baggy jeans and throwback jerseys were replaced by slacks and sport coats.

While players like Allen Iverson were vehemently opposed to the dress code, Supreme High Commissioner David Stern felt it was the only way to rid the league of its ‘hip-hop’ culture and the negative connotations that go along with it. Following to the success of the imposed dress code, SHC Stern is prepared to take it one step further, by restricting the music players are allowed to listen to.

“It’s called the Black Music- no wait, I’m sorry… It’s the Music Black List. Essentially the list will be music that’s banned during any team or league-related activity. We’re very excited, and we believe this will have nothing but a positive impact for fans and players alike,” Stern said.

Instead of the usual Jay-Z and Notorious B.I.G., players will now be compelled to choose from a variety of league-sanctioned artists, including Poison and Kenny G. Reactions to the new mandate are sure to be mixed, but at least one player is excited about it.

“Kenny G is an absolute genius in my book. I have all of his albums, and I can’t wait to share with my teammates. This is going to be super-cool,” Timberwolves forward Mark Madsen gushed to an SSNN reporter looking for Kevin Garnett’s opinion.

While Garnett refused to comment, it is widely believed that neither Kenny G nor Poison is part of his usual pre-game playlist.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!