Rose finally comes clean

CINCINNATI, OH — Pete Rose released a statement Wednesday that may further tarnish his legacy and is sure to rule out any chance of him being elected to the Hall of Fame. Rose admitted that, in addition to gambling on every baseball game since 1973, he is the source of the Cubs curse, he cursed Red Sox until Boston owner John Henry paid him a sizable ransom, and he was the driving force behind the 1919 “Black Sox” scandal. He also claimed to be the cause of global warming, President Bush’s 2004 election victory and a relative of both Hitler and Osama Bin-Laden. In an even more shocking turn of events, Rose said that he has a fire-front home in Hades and has an intimate personal bond with Satan. “It’s kinda hard to explain, but Satan isn’t a singular being – it’s more of a committee thing. But yes, I am part of the committee; along with Barry Bonds, Kathy Lee Gifford and Dick Cheney. Still, I don’t think this should keep me out of the Hall of Fame.” While the general public may be shocked by the news, Rose’s former teammates seem to have expected it. “I won’t say that I knew it all along,” Johnny Bench told SSNN. “By the same token, it’s not necessarily as bad as I thought it might be.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!