Raiders sign huge free agent

OAKLAND, CA — The Oakland Raiders are the latest NFL team to make a major free agent splash, with their latest signee breaking the just-set record for the size of a defensive player’s contract. The team announced at a Monday press conference that they have signed a hippopotamus – whose jersey will read “Hippy” – directly from Africa to a seven-year, $77 million deal with $30 million guaranteed.

Discovered in the Okavango Delta, a 6,000 square-mile maze of lagoons, channels and islands in Botswana, Hippy blew the Oakland scouting staff away in a wilderness workout. “His measurables are absolutely off the charts,” a confidential front-office source told SSNN. “When they saw how well he moves, Coach Kiffin and Big Al were on the next plane to Botswana.”

According to league rules, Hippy qualified as a free agent because he has technically been eligible for the NFL Draft for several years. While he’s never had any formal football training, Raiders coaches believe they can develop Hippy into a Pro-Bowl defensive end.

“We all know hippos are strong - hell, the damn things weigh three tons - but I think I speak for the entire coaching staff when I say how pleasantly surprised we were by Hippy’s 40 time,” Al Davis told reporters. “Sure, we gave him a running start – but 40 meters in three seconds is still a major achievement. This kid is even more of an athletic freak than Mario Williams!”

Hippy will wear the #47 jersey once worn by the similarly-oversized Tyrone Wheatley, and may see some time at fullback as well as on defense. “He’d be slotted into the starting FB spot right now, but we’re a little worried about how well he’ll pick up the offense,” new Raiders Coach Lane Kiffin said, as Hippy nibbled on one of the helmets at the podium. “Frankly, his Wonderlic score was less than impressive. I’m not going to give any numbers out, but… No! Hippy, SIT!”

Hippy’s English is a little spotty [Ed. Note: Factually speaking, the hippopotamus speaks no English whatsoever. Nor does he speak any other human language. As a matter of fact, he's shown no ability to understand even the simplest of physical gestures.] but he seemed happy about the deal. Luckily his agent, Drew Rosenhaus, was on hand to speak for him.

“Hippy looks forward to being a part of the Oakland Raiders family,” Rosenhaus read from a prepared statement. “He’s a humble athlete who won’t cause any problems, and he’s excited to help turn the Raiders back into the proud, vicious franchise that they were in years gone by.”

In addition to designing special shoulder pads for their new stud defender, the Raiders are already in the process of revamping their training facility to accommodate Hippy’s food, water and physical therapy needs. Among the renovations are a plus-size hot tub, an in-house vegetable farm and special dispensation to exceed the water quota usually enforced by the State of California.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!