NFLPA demands trade

NEW YORK, NY — In an odd move Monday, the entire NFL Players Association held a press conference and announced that they are unhappy with their contracts and want to be traded. “We just aren’t happy with any of our contracts and don’t think we’re getting the respect we deserve,” the players said in unison. “We’ll do anything we can to get traded.”

This leaves the NFL teams with many tough decisions. Reports are that the Sacramento Kings have offered Ron Artest to every NFL team. “The trade deadline does not apply to inter-league trades. We’ll take pretty much anyone for Artest, even a kicker,” said one of the Maloof brothers. [Ed. Note: Our writer didn’t know which Maloof it was, and unfortunately was too embarrassed to ask.]

There were also rumors of a four-way trade between the NFL, CFL, AFL and the USFL. In exchange for all of its players, the NFL would receive a thousand or so players from the CFL and AFL, lots of great memories from the USFL, and a No. 1 draft pick each year for the next century.

NFL officials have also discussed re-drafting the entire league, using Madden 07’s “fantasy draft” option. While this is an unlikely solution, a source close to the league told SSNN that “it would be so freakin’ sweet. We could even give quarterbacks those kick-ass yellow vision cones.”

The players have given the league a deadline to respond to their trade demands – Friday, March 9. They added that if the demands are not met, they intend to appoint Adam “Pacman” Jones as the head of the NFLPA and “act like we play for the Bengals.”