Moss trade demands “too high”

OAKLAND, CA — The Oakland Raiders made a blockbuster deal for Randy Moss during the 2005 off-season with the hope that he would rejuvenate their offense and make them a competitive team. Since his arrival, the team is a dismal 6-26 and is widely regarded as having one of the worst offenses in NFL history. With the Moss Experiment seemingly failing, one might think the Raiders would be glad to rid themselves of the troublesome wide receiver. Nevertheless, when Moss recently requested a trade, team officials never seriously considered it. “To be perfectly frank, we don’t believe Randy really wants a trade,” one Raider insider told SSNN on the condition of anonymity. “When he made the request, he was entirely too high to be taken seriously. The guys eyes were literally slivers – bloodshot little cracks. Al [Davis] could barely understand what he was talking about between all the giggling and muttering.” He went on to say that although Moss is widely known to be “perma-high” (a slang term to describe a constant state of marijuana intoxication) he was “way more wasted than normal” when he asked to be traded.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!