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News Item

McCovey Cove actually Fountain of Youth

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Sources within Major League Baseball confirmed yesterday that McCovey Cove – the small bay inlet near the San Francisco Giants’ PacBell/SBC/AT&T Park – is actually situated directly above the legendary Eternal Fountain of Youth.

The Fountain is located 100 feet below the surface, and emits a constant, warm jet of holy, rejuvenating water that spreads through the cove and aquifies the Giants stadium grass and bathrooms. The stream appeared to be originating from a previously undiscovered statue of former Giant (and NLCS MVP) Will Clark, frozen in memoriam with a bottle of “Hooch” in one hand and his member in the other.

The Clark statue was not commissioned by the team and no one has offered any explanation as to where it might have come from, but it has been retrieved by divers and placed on the boardwalk next to the Cove. Strangely, rather than stop the fountain, this caused the stream to break the surface. Clark, who spoke to reporters while drinking on his hovercraft in Louisiana, denied any knowledge of the statue or its magical abilities. He then abruptly ended the interview, saying he needed “to fight Zartan and the Dreadnoughts for control of the bayou.”

The discover of the Eternal Fountain of Youth has gone a long way towards explaining why the Giants perpetually stock their team with “veteran, experienced players” on the downside of their careers. The power of the cove is apparently incredible, turning strikeout machine Pedro Feliz (the Giants’ top prospect at age 30) into a useful run producing player (though he continues to strike out with alarming frequency). The fountain is also thought to be instrumental in the planned resuscitation of the careers of several washed up oldies – Ryan Klesko, Rich Aurilla, and Tim Worrell, to name a few.

“San Diego was great for my career because of the really mellow atmosphere, the warm weather, and all the sweet [women],” new San Francisco signee Dave Roberts told reporters. “But I’m even more excited to play for the Giants and turn back the clock on the aging process.”

In a press conference following the discovery of the Fountain, MLB commissioner Bud Selig exonerated slugger Barry Bonds for his rumored steroid use. “It is now clear to me that Barry’s great accomplishments are due to this holy and miraculous fountain, and not to any form of illegal performance enhancer. We look forward to watching him smash the all time home run record with indifference and brutish charm.”

Giants owner Peter Magowan refused to comment on whether or not he would license and bottle the Eternal Youth water. Most MLB analysts still believe that all the “magic fairy water,” Zanax, and Cialis in the world couldn’t push the Giants above the 82 win mark this season.

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Labels: Barry Bonds, Bud Selig, Fountain of Youth, MLB, San Francisco Giants

Posted on March 10th, 2007

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Other Related News Items

• Braves offseason goals: sign Glavine, discover Fountain of Youth (November 24, 2007)
• Judge sentences youth to 24 hours with Tim McCarver (October 18, 2007)
• Zito blames lack of focus for early struggles (April 13, 2007)
• ESPN commissions gold statue of UNC’s Hansbrough (March 17, 2008)

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