Manning in trouble for SNL skit

NEW YORK, NY — The United Way announced today that they plan to take legal action against Peyton Manning after his appearance in a mock United Way skit on last week’s episode of Saturday Night Live. While many felt that the mock commercial was the highlight of the show, the United Way is worried that it may hit a little too close to home.

“We know funny here at the United Way, and that’s simply not funny,” one obnoxiously preachy United Way official said. “Also, we’ve received several complaints from parents about Peyton’s questionable behavior the past couple of weeks at real-life United Way events.”

Manning was unavailable for comment; his new agent, Bilbo Baggins, told SSNN that the QB had a previously scheduled appointment with his newly-won Super Bowl ring. “Peyton and the ring have been spending a lot of ‘quality time’ together recently. Off the record, he’s been acting a little crazy. He keeps calling the ring my precious,” Mr. Baggins said. “This whole United Way controversy started when a kid asked to see the ring and Peyton tore his head off – figuratively speaking, of course.”

The United Way is apparently willing to negotiate with Manning, but he must first apologize and clarify that the SNL skit is not intended to represent reality. “Of course we appreciate what Peyton has done for our organization over the years,” the United Way jerk continued in his holier-than-thou tone, as if he’s a better person than me because he volunteers and I don’t. [Ed. Note: We could have cut this brief, opinionated side note. We didn't. Interpret our feelings towards the United Way accordingly.] “Because of the complaints, and all of his talk about a ‘giant eye’ coming after him, we feel the skit was in poor taste. All we want to hear is ‘I’m sorry.’ Also I want to hold the ring for a while, because I hear it has sweet powers.”

According to Baggins, Manning plans to spend the rest of his off-season at his home in Middle Earth. “Don’t print this or I’ll get fired, but there’s no way the Colts are repeating next year,” Baggins said. “Peyton refuses to take off the ring and it’s really affecting his throws. It seems like he’s satisfied with his one ring – his desire to play football is all but gone.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!