LaRussa to enter rehab

JUPITER, FL — After falling asleep at the wheel of his car Thursday night, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa was arrested and charged with a DUI. The day after the incident, the coach publicly apologized, saying he regretted bringing any sort of embarrassment to his family, friends and the Cardinal organization. A source now tells SSNN that LaRussa is planning to enter an alcohol-rehabilitation center in the Florida area. The troubled manager confirmed in a phone interview that rehab is his next step. “I’ve done some research, and apparently you can complete a rehab program in only a day or two,” the 2006 World Series-winning coach said. “Celebrities like Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan were a big help in explaining the process to me. I guess you can leave anytime you want and can be completely cured in a matter of hours. God bless modern science!” La Russa is confident that this will not play any role in his team’s chances of defending their World Series title, and looks forward to competing against the mediocre NL Central.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!