ESPN, MLB to debut The Syringe Life

NEW YORK, NY — For the first time in history, one of the four major professional sports leagues is producing a reality television competition that will be featured on ESPN. Every player featured on the upcoming show has been linked to steroids in the past, or is an admitted steroid user

“We think this is a great way to promote the game of baseball and let viewers see what it takes to be a major league player,” Commissioner Bud Selig said. “The winner will be added to the Kansas City Royals opening day roster in 2008; because let’s face it, they need all the help they can get.”

The competition will feature at least eight players living under one roof, facing off in challenges that won’t always be about baseball. The cameras will be rolling 24/7 in an effort to catch the drama and deceit that usually is present in this type of environment.

Jose Canseco, hailed as the steroid king, has been looking for a way back into baseball and jumped at the chance to be a part of the competition. “I’ve basically changed the world with what I know about steroids,” the former 40/40 star said. “We all know I’m the greatest player once I step out of that bathroom stall before a game, so let’s shoot u- I’m sorry, suit up.”

Rafael Palmeiro – whose numbers would almost guarantee a spot in the Hall of Fame had he not tested positive for steroids in 2005 – has been added to the list and is also eagerly awaiting a second chance, as many teams have refused his services since the positive test.

Perhaps no person walked away from the congressional hearings on steroids with more of a damaged reputation than Mark McGwire. Big Mac captured the love of America during his quest for 70 home runs, but has been constantly linked to steroids since his retirement. Producers have a tentative commitment from the former Cardinal, and SSNN was able to track him down.

“I’m not here to talk about the past,” McGwire told us, tears streaming down his red cheeks. “I’m here to talk about the future, and show people that by using natural supplements like human growth hormone, anyone can succeed.”

SSNN investigators have unearthed an insider list of preliminary ideas for the challenges contestants will be faced with in this first season of The Syringe Life. If nothing else, they should offer some fantastic YouTube material. Among the events: ripping phone books in half, lying to media and fans, blaming society for the steroid problem, and most importantly, smacking dingers.

In its commitment to providing only the best for its contestant pools, ESPN is taking its time to assemble the other participants. Currently immersed in the extensive screening and testing process are Brett Boone, Sammy Sosa, Brady Anderson, Juan Gonzalez and both Giambi brothers.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!