Columbus nearly burning with Final Four excitement

COLUMBUS, OH — You would be hard pressed to find a city with as much electricity in the air as Columbus, Ohio has this week, and you can credit the Ohio State Buckeyes’ upcoming appearance in the NCAA Basketball Final Four for the excitement. “It’s times like these that make me love my life,” said Mattress King owner Johnny King. “I’ll make enough money this weekend to put my oldest kid through college.” King is, of course, referencing the cities proud tradition of burning mattresses to celebrate major victories. “If we win on Saturday, we expect to see a 200 to 300 percent gain in sales,” King said. “But Monday is the big one. If we win the championship, this city will be so bright with mattress fires you’ll be able to see it from space – the only challenge then is making sure they’re all legally acquired; from me!” The Buckeyes are thought to have a very good chance to win the school’s first basketball championship since 1960. “I moved here from Detroit just for weekends like this,” King said.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!