Clemens bidding to begin

HOUSTON, TX — Every team in Major League Baseball would do just about anything to have a guy like Roger Clemens on their pitching staff. Though he won’t show up until midseason, he remains a surefire first-ballot Hall-of-Famer and is arguably the best pitcher living. With Clemens on the free agent market, teams across the country have been eagerly waiting to find out if they are on the short list of teams he will consider playing for. After taking time to consider his plans for the 2007 season, Clemens – in his typically magnanimous fashion – has decided to give every team a shot at procuring his superior services. “I’ve decided to put myself on eBay,” the seven-time Cy Young Award-winner said. “Bidding will be open to any baseball team with internet access and billions to spare. The bidding will start at $9 million for the half-year, but we’re not putting a max on it. Let’s see how high this puppy can go!” According to Clemens’ eBay post, the team that wins the auction will also have to satisfy each and every requirement on a twelve-page list of demands. Though SSNN was unable to acquire the full list, it is known that Clemens has requested each of the following: a Segue to take him out to the mound each inning, a gold-plated rosin bag, a private 747 airplane with his face painted on the side, and an underwater habitat in which he and his family can live. The auction is set to begin next week, and payment will be accepted via PayPal.

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!