Bonds to take time off

SAN FRANCISCO, CA — Less than a week before the 2007 MLB season begins, and only 22 dingers away from becoming the All-Time Home Run King, Barry Bonds said on Wednesday that he has decided not to play this year.

“I just don’t think I’m physically ready,” the San Francisco left fielder said. “I’m gonna take a year off and go back to Arizona State to get a chemistry degree. I’ll be focusing on the medical side of chemistry. I really feel like this will help me physically – not the chemistry degree, just the time off. I’m not going to be using my chemistry degree to further my baseball career in any way. Seriously, it’s just flaxseed oil.”

Bonds cited pursuing his reality television career as a secondary inspiration for the hiatus. Members of the Giants expressed disappointment, but seemed to understand Bonds’ reasoning.

“Of course I’m bummed out; getting to hang with Bonds is the main reason I came here,” said the Giants’ off-season prize, pitcher Barry Zito. “But that chemistry degree is really going to come in handy, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t, I’m making a veiled reference to the juice he’ll brew up when he comes back. I figure I can hit a few home runs after I get my hands on them, and we all know ladies love the long ball.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!