Blazers, Randolph get beating, Big Macs

CHICAGO, IL — After a 100-89 defeat at the hands of the Chicago Bulls on Monday night, Portland TrailBlazers star Zach Randolph was nowhere to be found. While other Blazers were available for post-game interviews, Randolph had dressed and left the locker room before the media were inside.

“Sorry for not doing any interviews after the game last night, but I was in a hurry,” Randolph said on a Tuesday morning conference call. “I had to get to McDonald’s before closing, so I could redeem those free Big Mac coupons.”

Upon entering the stadium, Bulls fans are given coupons for a free Big Mac – good only if the team wins and scores at least 100 points. According to Brenda Anderson, an employee at the McDonald’s on the corner of Warren Blvd. and Western Ave., Randolph used seven of these coupons at approximately 10:07 PM on Monday.

The Blazers’ big man bristled when questioned about where he acquired the extra coupons. “I don’t see what the big [expletive] deal is! LaMarcus [Aldridge] said he wasn’t gonna eat his anyway - the other five I found on the stadium floor after the fans left. What, is the floor gonna go hungry? I’m a growing man, man – I gotta eat.”

According to Anderson, Randolph – whose growth in the last year has been exclusively horizontal – also became irate when she refused to give him a free drink and order of fries to go with his seven-burger late-night snack.

“He said, ‘What the F am I supposed to wash these down with?’ and then he called me a [female dog],” Anderson said. “I always figured he would be a nice guy; you know, since he’s round-faced and covered in baby fat. To be fair, he did seem much more reasonable after the fourth Big Mac. The weirdest thing is that after he finished eating he just took a two-hour nap.”

No word on whether the TrailBlazers are party to (or even aware of) Randolph’s high-calorie training diet, but he apparently has no plans to start eating healthier. “We’ve got Memphis on Thursday, which is probably my favorite because when they score 100 and beat us we get free BBQ pulled pork sandwiches. It doesn’t get much better than that.”

It’s going to be tough for this sport to sweep any nations, but it’s still pretty frickin’ cool!